George Clooney, Why You Cheeky Little Bugger!

Holy Moly Blind Item

Which mega-MEGA Hollywood actor boffed the obligatory friend of a friend whilst still seeing his British girlfriend?

All went well on their first date and she ended up in bed with the salt & peppered lothario. It was going so well she agreed to a bit of rear entry as

“It was *********(Salt and Pepper Lothario nomenclature deleted) , what was I going to do? Say no?!”

He rang her for second date, back to hotel, he flips her over again, although she’s a bit miffed. Anyway, she’s biting the pillow when she hears a strange gargling noise, looks over her shoulder and he is there, having a thoroughly good time, choking himself with a tie.

Dateline London: George Clooney at the Tradesman’s Entrance

Following the lead of top UK publication Holy Moly — Vanity Fair, in an unprecedented editorial move, decided its November cover and indeed the entire issue had become irrelevant. The late breaking Clooney News meant it all had to be re-done — regardless of cost or timing.
In a move that has stunned the the publishing world Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter has pulled all issues of their November Magazine featuring George Clooney on the cover.

The November issue was already available on newstands in L.A. and N.Y.C. as of October 5th — and was scheduled for release elsewhere in the U.S on October 10 … but STOP THE PRESSES. Vanity Fair trucks have been collecting unsold issues for pulping and bird cage lining … and Newstands across the country are on Standby for delivery of the Emergency re-edit.

We spoke to one Upen Piggybhai Patel at New York’s Grand Central Station … where he has been a newspaper and fine publications vendor for over thirty years.

“I first came to know about Graydon’s fixation for relevancy and very nowness from his mother, but still when I hear this recall tamasha I thought he has decided to pull a fast one. Scandal comes and goes … why make such a fuss.

“I mean he signed one after another big banner film stars for his covers and never recalled previously. He has always held Clooneybhai in the highest esteem. He was always looking forward to working with him.”

The shocking news of Clooney’s Ride down the Perilous Hutchence Highway fully banalized the original articles.

Even such formerly fascinating information as the Clooney-esque take on prostitution:

“I’d never seen a hooker in my life, coming from Kentucky and all these girls came up to the car and were like, ‘Baby, want to party? You want to party with me?’ And I was like, ‘Girls love me, man! I ‘m on fire in this town! I should have come here a long time ago! Chicks dig me!’ And Miguel goes, ‘They’re hookers, you idiot.”

Became patently absurd as wastes of glossy page space.

The homo-chic tweak of his manly Georgian views on the hotness that is Clive Owen:

“(He is) the big find in the past two or three years. I think he’s a movie star. He’s, like, a man – there’s a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting.”

These cologne scented observations — even while nestled between high end folded fragrance samples — now had the resonance and relevance of a breaking story on John Kerry’s Botox use.

 

What will Graydon bring Forth … now that we all know ?? How will Vanity Fair handle the substantive issues raised by this very contemporary tale of ties that bind?  How will Dominic Dunne manage to name-drop while auto-asphyxiating ?

Vanity Fair’s readers worldwide are poised by their mailboxes.

You lucky buggers get to see it here first.

The Manny Diaries: Perry Poppins’ Parasol

Paul Giamatti is one very busy actor. His acclaimed performances in American Splendor , Sideways, The Illusionist and above all as Kenny “Pig Vomit” Rushton in The Lady in the Water catapaulted him from balding taciturn schlub to quirky “Oscar somewhere ahead” lead.

Now he’s going for the brass ring as a hard-bodied Screen Hunk. It’s an unexpected move — from an unexpected leading man – starring across from Scarlett Johansson (as intelligent eye candy), Laura Linney(as Ivy Educated) Alicia Keys (as the black best friend) and Chris Evans (as the gratuitous shirt lifter) in “The Manny Diaries” for the Weinstein Company.

Gia : The Story of a Supermatti

As he braced for his role, Paul Giamatti also faced the prospect of baring a lot of skin in a shirtless scene– flying with his Poppins carpetbag and parasol over Central Park.
“You know, it’s amazing what an impending midlife crisis and a slew of attractive co-stars – will do for your motivation,” Giamatti told Good Morning America’s Meredith Viera. “I figure I’ve got it coming. I’m never going to grow a chin. I’m bald so we know we got some excess testosterone in there. Let’s go give it a shot.”

A change of diet and plenty of exercise helped mold his body into shape.

“As actors the body is our instrument — and it will adapt to the needs of the tune you wanna play — if you feed it right and have Harvey Weinstein shell out for 24/7 personal training. –” Giamatti said. “– And I’ve got a lot of respect for that. It’s hard, though.”

Apparently, all that working out worked. Paul Gia-hottie!
The much anticipated big screen adaptation of former Marine and celebrity Manny – Perry “Poppins” Taylor’s book was written by Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini.

“The Manny Diaries” is the story of nine frantic months in the life of a young bodyguard impulsively hired to care for the neglected newborn son of a pampered pop star wife and her absentee wannabee rapstar husband.

As their marriage begins to disintegrate we follow the misadventures of the young manny, played by the fit and fabulous Paul Giamatti, amidst the tabloid glare of a Britney-esque hillbilly household. Things take a turn for the worse when the jealous husband returns demanding that the hunky boy Poppins be fired. Our Manny is out on the humid Florida streets and hurricane season is a-coming.
His fortunes change swiftly again as he’s swept up in the Manny-may-care lifestyle of a new set of celebrity employers – a handsome metrosexual English Movie star (think Jude Law) with a madcap international household: fetching fiancee, wicked ex-wife and a mischievous coterie of adorable young kids complete with posh accents and mommies prescriptions.
Hilarious hijinx ensue as the whole entourage dash from London to the East Village, from movie premieres to jetset parties. But can our fit, practically perfect in every way Manny — juggle the household, a romance, the press, his parrot headed parasol and a challenging daily ab routine with low-carb intake — all while teaching this fractured family how to love again?

The Manny Diaries Opens in Theaters Nationwide December 15th

Jude Law: To Be or Not To Be a Movie Star

Dateline: The West End, London.

To Be or Not To Be a Movie Star

Jude Law slightly stunned a no longer particularly interested public with his announcement that he’s leaving Hollywood to go back to the English Stage as Hamlet Prince of Denmark.

The latest casualty in the ‘dollar dollar bill y’all’ onslaught of Brits who never quite cracked the American market, Law is covering his retreat with the classic “The Theatre is My First Love” strategy.
While certainly outscoring fellow Brits Oasis and Robbie Williams — both of whom sponsored unscuccesful flutters at stardom across the pond — Law has finally failed to crack the leading man problem.

After a lithe, sexy, fuzzy chested supporting turn in The Talented Mr Ripley all systems seemed go for young Jude — but the rocket fuel never ignited. His sputtering filmic ubiquity — without ever quite achieving star status — ended up as a Chris Rock punch line at the 2005 Academy Awards:

“Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I’ve seen the last four years? He’s in everything! Even the movies he’s not acting in, if you look at the credits, he made cupcakes or something!”

And the fun was just starting for Judy McCupcakes!

As the lackluster films continued to pile up … his personal life took centerstage. He and wife Sadie “Famous in England for Nothing” Frost, first dosed their toddler with E (some kids have all the luck!), separated, divorced, threw late night wobblies on the streets of Primrose Hill, dabbled with a bit of clinical depression and threw in a a dash of the old suicidals. Quite the Tabloid Cocktail … but only the English paid attention. Fair Enough – as with the harshly limited supply of good looks in the UK * — Law had used up a generation and a halfs allotment.

Frost free at Last (free at last) Jude quickly paired off with younger model Sienna “Famous in England for Nothing” Miller — and then just as quickly tumbled the po-faced Nanny, one Dasiy Wright, round his lecherous hotel sheets. Daisy Wright became Daisy Oh So Wrong joining Sadie and Sienna in a sisterhood largely famous for shamelessly shagging our wee (another scurrilous rumor much debated) Jude.

Quite the Sorority to Pledge. This serial fourgy has gone on to nondescript infamy. Sadie has carried on to recently feature , naked and nude, in a PETA campaign — mooning Greater London to show how Photoshopped fannies make you hate fur. Well If she didnt like fur … why did she marry Jude? He’s universally acknowledged to be the oddly sensual combination of glowing choir boy and fuzzy woodland creature. Furhter to the point if she wanted to Photoshop her Fanny couldnt she just post in on her My Space page rather than taking up valuable Silk Cut billboard footage.

Sienna is rumored to be acting (in-between spasms of forgiving Jude for naughty Nanny Chasing) and is also a freelance floaty napkin mannequin-about-town for the new Stella McCartney 2 Legs is Best Line.

The Nanny has headed north and will be playing a very round potato in a Panto at the Gaiety Theatre in Dumfries and Galloway. Tickets a bargain at one shilling and sixpence.

And now Jude is keen on leaving Hollywood in order to concentrate on his stage career. And after Cold Mountain, Alfie and All the King’s Men no one’s checking his luggage at JFK for reasons to stay.

Loyal Fans of the Law can however take heart — in his past stage work there’s been generous helpings of naked and entirely nude Jude Law. He did a well received bathtub exit in Les Parents Terribles and spent almost the whole run of Indiscretions naked on stage with Kathleen Turner.

Rumors abound that despite the lack of central heating in Castle Elsinore the naked, nude, furry woodland charms of Jude Law will be on full display in his upcoming Hamlet at the Young Vic.

When asked for his thoughts about playing Shakespeare’s saucy Danish dish Mr. Law trotted out this palate pleasing comment:

“I’m always looking for the right play and the right time [Ed. note: see girls you shoulda been forewarned]. I hope that time might be soon. I wanted to come back and act, but for personal and economic reasons I had to forgo the opportunity. Theatre gives you a different taste in your mouth from film.”

Ohhhh smoke me a kipper … I’ll be back for Breakfast.
When asked about the Full Frontal Princely rumors — Jude rakishly replied:

“It’s Hamlet not Macbeth … no real moment for the old ‘Is this a dagger which I see before me’ gags! Still you never know … Buy your tickets early … and buy in bulk. Because Ladies — the Law permits group discounts ! ”

* * God(s) Bless the European Union and the recent influx of attractively cheekboned Poles to Great Britain — things may improve somatically. Indeed, Outmarrying Punjabis by themselves decreased the general English Unattractiveness Factor by 15% over the last decade. African and Asian Carribeans have contributed an additional 20% to the EUF Reduction. Close your eyes and think of the Empire — its giving you love like a red headed step child — you might not deserve it — but love’s all good –and Queen Victoria is a chav named Beckham.

Aishwarya Rai: Stop in the Name of Ash

Dateline: United Arab Emirates

Aishwarya Rai — Julia Roberts choice for most beautiful woman in the world — was in Dubai for a one day television advertisement shoot soap yesterday — and chaos ensued.

All Traffic came to a halt in downtown Dubai yesterday so that local males could gawk at Aishwarya Rai’s overtly good looking mug. There were winding traffic jams on roads throughout the city.

The news of ravishing Rai spotted on a street spread like wildfire and mobs of fans soon thronged the scene. Motorists were forced to wait for the Rai rubberneckers as the roads were closed at regular Rai intervals resulting in Ashy chaos and traffic congestion.

The U.A.E. Traffic Authority is exploring filing charges against the comely Mangalorean superstar after a surge of reports by Dubai residents that the actress was clearly signalling to them to stop.

Said one ensorcelled young guest worker, VJ Balakrushin. ” I could see her beckoning to me across the desert landscape. I know she has loving feelings for me and I am reciprocating. I was forced to stop my scooter and thusly was late for my work.” His behavior is all the more astounding given the dire consequences – guest workers in Dubai are routinely imprisoned, beaten and deported for just such hijinx.

Five years ago the 25 y.o. father-of-four and yoga enthusiast paid about $2,000 for a three-year work visa to come to Dubai as part of the Middle Easts biggest construction boom.

When he got the Gulf, VJ turned over his passport as security against the loan — moved into a small tin shack with 20 others — and commenced his indentured servitude.

His 7 day, 70+ hour work week consists of fitting steel sheeting to skyscrapers in temperatures of more than 105ºF — with no protective clothing, the experience has clearly left him badly scarred — both physically and emotionally.

“Yes its true,” Said Young VJ ” I have risked everything for a glimpse of Ash … that’s how she will know its true LOVE! What else do I have.”

But will Ash be feeling the Love if the U.A.E. Traffic Authority proceeds with their plans to file charges against her for distracting ruby red jewelry, subliminal Bindi messaging and general dewy gorgeousness in a dry Gulf State context.
We contacted Ali al-Kaabi, the UAE’s Labour Minister about their plans to prosecute.

” Yesterday’s events caused a huge drain on resources and net profit loss for the Dubai economy. As a Federation of Arab nations we take very seriously any attempt by visiting Indian labour to get uppity. Clearly the level of exploitation and rights denial must be applied equally across all levels of guest workers. We would have attempted ouright physical abuse — but Miss Rai travels with quite the posse.”
Indian ambassador to U.A.E., Chandra Mohan Bhandari, said the Embassy was in close contact with New Delhi about any possible legal entanglements. Ambassador Bhandari added rather enigmatically, ” The Gulf states are rich in Oil resources. BUT We are rich in Ash resources — but they must not assume the we are coming in sackcloth.”

Oily versus Ashy: Anyway you look at it the complexion of this contretemps is a mess. In search of a clarifying solution that would get us out of this regional T-zone we went looking for answers.

Aishwarya Rai’s International management team arranged a brief interview for us with the always busy star as she was completing filming on Dhoom II and going straight onto set for the re-make of the Rekha classic Umrao Jaan.

When asked if there was any truth to the accusations that she used her unearthly powers to bring all Dubai to a halt – that she was some sort of labour union activist — weilding Sub-continental attractions against unjust overlords in a satyaghraha of good looks — Miss Rai responded,

“Don’t be a Silly …. Powers ? If I had such powers that would make me a witch — I only say to the U.A.E. authorities – Don’t mess with my homeboys … Don’t touch my homegirls … otherwise Payback — maybe she will rhyme with Witch.

Paris Hilton + Brandon Davis: Greasy Heirs II – The Search for Tink

Dateline: New York

The Exxon Valdez Oil Spill Emergency Response Team were called to the MTV Video Music Awards Party shortly after midnight when corpulent oil tanker Brandon Davis and Greasy Heir Paris Hilton struck Bungalow Eight in downtown Manhattan spilling more than 15 million gallons of crude oil.

After being refused entry to the party – the duckbilled heiress and her portly escort were quickly beached like fatty, nipple slipped tankers on the sidewalk. A tragic fit of foul language, staff abuse and wonky eyed tear leakage ensued — the all too familiar forerunners to the disaster that followed.
Mr. Davis alone was carrying over 11 million gallons of oily sheen on his shiny forehead and glistening jowls – the equivalent of 257,000 barrels or 38,800 metric tonnes.The amount of spilled oil is roughly equivalent to 125 Olympic-sized swimming pools.

Inital analysis reveals the additional 4 million gallons, assumed to have poured from Ms. Hilton insufficently protected hull, is made up of a combination of toxins including Restalyne, colored contact solution, fast acting spermicidals and unmentionable lubricants.

The spill was the largest in New York history and tested the abilities of local, national and international agencies to prepare for, and respond to, a disaster of such magnitude.

Many factors complicated the cleanup efforts following the spill. The size of the spill; its trendy, but so two years ago location; its current accessiblility only by bridge and tunnel; and of course static interference by doorman and clipboard fascists with ponytails.

Existing plans for dealing with such an environmental disaster were insufficient. Not even last weeks near miss, when great big wobbly vodka bag Tara Reid was narrowly averted from crashing through the door was sufficient preparation for this greasy, oily, pointless deluge.

The spill posed threats to the delicate food chain that supports the Award Show After Party industry.

In danger were ten million migratory shore birds and Jersey Chicks, hundreds of FIT undergraduates and dozens of other local species, such as indigenous Conde Nasties and migratory Lizzie Grubbmen all waiting in line at Bungalow 8. Although this local fauna usually thrives on the empty calories of celebrity proximity the profoundly blubber like content of the spill caused the immediate onset of bulimia in some of the more vulnerable species. Volunteers on site are still cleaning local wild and night life victims. Birds like this often do not survive oiling, even when they have been cleaned. It is predicted that a large number of MTV internships may need to be filled come the fall season.

In a tragic footnote a pink sweatered chihuahua drag artist locally known as ‘Tinkerbell’ was swept away by the rampaging ink black waves. The search continues for his whereabouts .

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DOG ?

The Pope and Madonna are back on Track

Double your H and twice the M

— His Holiness and Madonna do H&M Tracksuit Ads

In the latest shocking twist – Love has bloomed between Madonna and the Pope

After a rocky start this week with the Catholic leader calling for the singer to be “ex-communicated” and our girl Madonna responding by valiantly turning the other cheek and sending him a really top end VIP pass for the show — his Holiness Benedict the Sixteenth has had a change of heart.

“Well originally,” says Pope Benedict, “I’d been led to believe that Madge’s show was blasphemous, I mean I’d been told it was full of great big rubbishy heaps of steamin’, phemin’ blasph — whatever that is. Its quite hard to say that Blasph … Blasph … Blasph …too sort of lispy at the end … and I say if you can’t pronounce it without lisping why get your mitre in a twist?”

“Anyhooo … I talked it over with the Cardinals and we decided that the Real blasphemy would be to be waste free Madonna tickets … and like really good ones at that … so we left the dresses and yamakhas in the Vat — got our mufti on and went out to the show all incog like … and let me tell you on one thing … it was BRILLIANT! I mean a diamante-studded cross –WE should have had one of those years ago.”

Not one to miss an opportunity Madonna is cementing her new found friendship with a papally gorgeous ad campaign. Says the famous songstress, ” The thing is Benny just looked so adorable in his street gear at my concert… little red Prada loafers and all … but I thought — He needs a bit of an edge … and an affordable edge at that …. sooooo …. I made some calls! Why excommunicate … when you can just communicate effectively”

Yes that’s right …. You heard it here first
Swedish clothing giant H&M’s deal to dress pop diva Madonna on her current tour has now been expanded to include the Pope in a high end, high exposure, high holy days campaign.

Madonna is not the first celebrity linked with H&M, which has brought in Stella McCartney and Karl Lagerfeld to design truly tragic one-off collections.

But H&M spokesperson TorBjörn Medelsvensson had an interesting perspective on this year’s double bill.

“After our disastrous decision to cancell the Kate Moss campaign we have truly re-evaluated our wobbly market driven ethics. There is every indication that excommunication is this year’s cocaine — and that just being in the vicinity of it will put the stank of success all over our low cost Bangladeshi sewn bits and bobs.

“If Jesus were being crucified today ” continued Mr. Medelsvensson –” You can bet your bottom euro , he’d be doing it in an H&M Madonna track suit!”

Ahhh the dry wit of the Swedes.

Mel Gibson in a Hitler Moustache

A Mugshot really captures those special moments you treasure so you can share them with friends, family, law enforcement and the world wide web. This weeks theme for Illustration Friday was suggested by one Ms. Michelle Gibson after all …

Time to settle down for a good old fasioned game of Pin the stache on the Donkey.  For our sober,  Mennonite and/or law abiding readers I should clarify that D.W.I stands for  Driving While Intoxicated.  Perhaps I should have just called it the Adolf.

Paris Hilton: Sacrifice of the Ex-Virgin

Celebitchy reports: Paris Hilton says she’s going to be celibate for a year.. Quoting from a very readable interview in the Guardian.

“Hilton had previously said she wanted to be a mother by now, but she recently announced that, after being in relationships for all her adult life, she is going to stay boyfriendless and celibate for a year. Why? ‘Just because I want to. I feel I’m becoming stronger as a person …”

We were forced to revisit the last grumpy old Paris Hilton story that took the the gast to flabber ratio goes up a few notches . We are a very old Indian man … shocked is the very least of the words in our very old indian vocabulary. Full on Mad Mallu Malayalam (say it three times fast) director T.Rajeevnath was wooing Paris Hilton for a Mother Theresa bio-pic … rumor has it she is still considering the project … rumor has it she is preparing for the role with her new interest in homely virtues.

This certanly beats her other current interest … street corner hooking with Sister Nicky as reported in Mollygood We can only re-iterate the conventional wisdom which prizes the little Sisters of mercy over the little Sisters on the corner of La Cienaga and Trannyville.
This radical re-definition of celebrity celibacy clearly sets a trend … we think that re-virginzed socialtes world-wide will be sacrificed to dormant volcanoes globally. This of course would largely involve a luxury picnics (dont serve Cristal if Jay Z’s invited) on a lavaless mountain with no actual virgin chucking … maybe in Kulu Manali or other reputable holiday type honeymoon destination.

Early Peek at Naked Nude Natalie Portman … or is it

click for larger image

Mollygood makes the very cogent point that all humans — irrespective of creed, bend or color — are at least slightly curious about the upcoming naked Natalie Portman in Goya’s Ghosts.

As a public service we provide the global community with their first glimpse of this historic sight.

Gentlemanly Jake Gyllenhaal is there with flowers —

Egotastic reveals today out the whole thing is utter nonsense and its a body double after all … later confirmed by our crack team of image analysis experts … that’s bloody Manet not Goya. Art Historians everywhere heave a sigh of relief. Portman Pervs heave sighs for entirely less admirable reasons.

Peruse the evidence of this shocking fakery and body doublage gone mad revealed below:

Clearly they’ve pasted them in from publicity shots …. Tricky Bastards!

Portugal issues Wayne Rooney Commerative Crotch Stamp

Portugal’s national Sports Publishing House on Tuesday (July 4th) issued a commerative stamp in Lisbon as part of its efforts to promote the 2006 World Cup.

The 69 eurocents stamp, entitled ‘Wayne Rooney Portuguese Crotch Stamp’ commemorates the legendary ginger monkey’s freckled antics hopping up and down on the private bits of Ricardo Carvalho. In a classic example of payback stamping on portuguse crotch has earned Wayne Rooney his very own Portuguese crotch stamp. Now that’s one for the record books.

A spokesman for The Portuguese Football Federation (FPF) said, ” While Senhor Rooney chooses to presently deny his clear mastery of the now famous Portugese Crotch Stamp, we in the FPF feel that an official tribute was needed fo such a historic move. In fact we use the very first stamp issued to send him a postcard from the semi-finals. He can put it on his …. Como se diz isso em inglês? … Refrigerator … and then he never has to deny the Rooney Portuguese Crotch Stamp — never no more … Verdade “

Following the suggestion of England mid-fielder Steven Gerrard to ” Not blame Rooney” the FPF has instead decided to proceed with this numismatic celebration of the red card gobsmackery visited on their favorite jug eared poison dwarf.

The issue limit of the stamp is set at 5,000. According to the publisher, it is the first World Cup stamps album authorized by the International Snarky Bastards Committee (ISBC).