Dateline: The West End, London.
To Be or Not To Be a Movie Star
Jude Law slightly stunned a no longer particularly interested public with his announcement that he’s leaving Hollywood to go back to the English Stage as Hamlet Prince of Denmark.
The latest casualty in the ‘dollar dollar bill y’all’ onslaught of Brits who never quite cracked the American market, Law is covering his retreat with the classic “The Theatre is My First Love” strategy.
While certainly outscoring fellow Brits Oasis and Robbie Williams — both of whom sponsored unscuccesful flutters at stardom across the pond — Law has finally failed to crack the leading man problem.
After a lithe, sexy, fuzzy chested supporting turn in The Talented Mr Ripley all systems seemed go for young Jude — but the rocket fuel never ignited. His sputtering filmic ubiquity — without ever quite achieving star status — ended up as a Chris Rock punch line at the 2005 Academy Awards:
“Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I’ve seen the last four years? He’s in everything! Even the movies he’s not acting in, if you look at the credits, he made cupcakes or something!”
And the fun was just starting for Judy McCupcakes!
As the lackluster films continued to pile up … his personal life took centerstage. He and wife Sadie “Famous in England for Nothing” Frost, first dosed their toddler with E (some kids have all the luck!), separated, divorced, threw late night wobblies on the streets of Primrose Hill, dabbled with a bit of clinical depression and threw in a a dash of the old suicidals. Quite the Tabloid Cocktail … but only the English paid attention. Fair Enough – as with the harshly limited supply of good looks in the UK * — Law had used up a generation and a halfs allotment.
Frost free at Last (free at last) Jude quickly paired off with younger model Sienna “Famous in England for Nothing” Miller — and then just as quickly tumbled the po-faced Nanny, one Dasiy Wright, round his lecherous hotel sheets. Daisy Wright became Daisy Oh So Wrong joining Sadie and Sienna in a sisterhood largely famous for shamelessly shagging our wee (another scurrilous rumor much debated) Jude.
Quite the Sorority to Pledge. This serial fourgy has gone on to nondescript infamy. Sadie has carried on to recently feature , naked and nude, in a PETA campaign — mooning Greater London to show how Photoshopped fannies make you hate fur. Well If she didnt like fur … why did she marry Jude? He’s universally acknowledged to be the oddly sensual combination of glowing choir boy and fuzzy woodland creature. Furhter to the point if she wanted to Photoshop her Fanny couldnt she just post in on her My Space page rather than taking up valuable Silk Cut billboard footage.
Sienna is rumored to be acting (in-between spasms of forgiving Jude for naughty Nanny Chasing) and is also a freelance floaty napkin mannequin-about-town for the new Stella McCartney 2 Legs is Best Line.
The Nanny has headed north and will be playing a very round potato in a Panto at the Gaiety Theatre in Dumfries and Galloway. Tickets a bargain at one shilling and sixpence.
And now Jude is keen on leaving Hollywood in order to concentrate on his stage career. And after Cold Mountain, Alfie and All the King’s Men no one’s checking his luggage at JFK for reasons to stay.
Loyal Fans of the Law can however take heart — in his past stage work there’s been generous helpings of naked and entirely nude Jude Law. He did a well received bathtub exit in Les Parents Terribles and spent almost the whole run of Indiscretions naked on stage with Kathleen Turner.
Rumors abound that despite the lack of central heating in Castle Elsinore the naked, nude, furry woodland charms of Jude Law will be on full display in his upcoming Hamlet at the Young Vic.
When asked for his thoughts about playing Shakespeare’s saucy Danish dish Mr. Law trotted out this palate pleasing comment:
“I’m always looking for the right play and the right time [Ed. note: see girls you shoulda been forewarned]. I hope that time might be soon. I wanted to come back and act, but for personal and economic reasons I had to forgo the opportunity. Theatre gives you a different taste in your mouth from film.”
Ohhhh smoke me a kipper … I’ll be back for Breakfast.
When asked about the Full Frontal Princely rumors — Jude rakishly replied:
“It’s Hamlet not Macbeth … no real moment for the old ‘Is this a dagger which I see before me’ gags! Still you never know … Buy your tickets early … and buy in bulk. Because Ladies — the Law permits group discounts ! ”
* * God(s) Bless the European Union and the recent influx of attractively cheekboned Poles to Great Britain — things may improve somatically. Indeed, Outmarrying Punjabis by themselves decreased the general English Unattractiveness Factor by 15% over the last decade. African and Asian Carribeans have contributed an additional 20% to the EUF Reduction. Close your eyes and think of the Empire — its giving you love like a red headed step child — you might not deserve it — but love’s all good –and Queen Victoria is a chav named Beckham.