Dateline: New York
The Exxon Valdez Oil Spill Emergency Response Team were called to the MTV Video Music Awards Party shortly after midnight when corpulent oil tanker Brandon Davis and Greasy Heir Paris Hilton struck Bungalow Eight in downtown Manhattan spilling more than 15 million gallons of crude oil.
After being refused entry to the party – the duckbilled heiress and her portly escort were quickly beached like fatty, nipple slipped tankers on the sidewalk. A tragic fit of foul language, staff abuse and wonky eyed tear leakage ensued — the all too familiar forerunners to the disaster that followed.
Mr. Davis alone was carrying over 11 million gallons of oily sheen on his shiny forehead and glistening jowls – the equivalent of 257,000 barrels or 38,800 metric tonnes.The amount of spilled oil is roughly equivalent to 125 Olympic-sized swimming pools.
Inital analysis reveals the additional 4 million gallons, assumed to have poured from Ms. Hilton insufficently protected hull, is made up of a combination of toxins including Restalyne, colored contact solution, fast acting spermicidals and unmentionable lubricants.
The spill was the largest in New York history and tested the abilities of local, national and international agencies to prepare for, and respond to, a disaster of such magnitude.
Many factors complicated the cleanup efforts following the spill. The size of the spill; its trendy, but so two years ago location; its current accessiblility only by bridge and tunnel; and of course static interference by doorman and clipboard fascists with ponytails.
Existing plans for dealing with such an environmental disaster were insufficient. Not even last weeks near miss, when great big wobbly vodka bag Tara Reid was narrowly averted from crashing through the door was sufficient preparation for this greasy, oily, pointless deluge.
The spill posed threats to the delicate food chain that supports the Award Show After Party industry.
In danger were ten million migratory shore birds and Jersey Chicks, hundreds of FIT undergraduates and dozens of other local species, such as indigenous Conde Nasties and migratory Lizzie Grubbmen all waiting in line at Bungalow 8. Although this local fauna usually thrives on the empty calories of celebrity proximity the profoundly blubber like content of the spill caused the immediate onset of bulimia in some of the more vulnerable species. Volunteers on site are still cleaning local wild and night life victims. Birds like this often do not survive oiling, even when they have been cleaned. It is predicted that a large number of MTV internships may need to be filled come the fall season.
In a tragic footnote a pink sweatered chihuahua drag artist locally known as ‘Tinkerbell’ was swept away by the rampaging ink black waves. The search continues for his whereabouts .
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DOG ?