Aishwarya Rai: Stop in the Name of Ash

Dateline: United Arab Emirates

Aishwarya Rai — Julia Roberts choice for most beautiful woman in the world — was in Dubai for a one day television advertisement shoot soap yesterday — and chaos ensued.

All Traffic came to a halt in downtown Dubai yesterday so that local males could gawk at Aishwarya Rai’s overtly good looking mug. There were winding traffic jams on roads throughout the city.

The news of ravishing Rai spotted on a street spread like wildfire and mobs of fans soon thronged the scene. Motorists were forced to wait for the Rai rubberneckers as the roads were closed at regular Rai intervals resulting in Ashy chaos and traffic congestion.

The U.A.E. Traffic Authority is exploring filing charges against the comely Mangalorean superstar after a surge of reports by Dubai residents that the actress was clearly signalling to them to stop.

Said one ensorcelled young guest worker, VJ Balakrushin. ” I could see her beckoning to me across the desert landscape. I know she has loving feelings for me and I am reciprocating. I was forced to stop my scooter and thusly was late for my work.” His behavior is all the more astounding given the dire consequences – guest workers in Dubai are routinely imprisoned, beaten and deported for just such hijinx.

Five years ago the 25 y.o. father-of-four and yoga enthusiast paid about $2,000 for a three-year work visa to come to Dubai as part of the Middle Easts biggest construction boom.

When he got the Gulf, VJ turned over his passport as security against the loan — moved into a small tin shack with 20 others — and commenced his indentured servitude.

His 7 day, 70+ hour work week consists of fitting steel sheeting to skyscrapers in temperatures of more than 105ºF — with no protective clothing, the experience has clearly left him badly scarred — both physically and emotionally.

“Yes its true,” Said Young VJ ” I have risked everything for a glimpse of Ash … that’s how she will know its true LOVE! What else do I have.”

But will Ash be feeling the Love if the U.A.E. Traffic Authority proceeds with their plans to file charges against her for distracting ruby red jewelry, subliminal Bindi messaging and general dewy gorgeousness in a dry Gulf State context.
We contacted Ali al-Kaabi, the UAE’s Labour Minister about their plans to prosecute.

” Yesterday’s events caused a huge drain on resources and net profit loss for the Dubai economy. As a Federation of Arab nations we take very seriously any attempt by visiting Indian labour to get uppity. Clearly the level of exploitation and rights denial must be applied equally across all levels of guest workers. We would have attempted ouright physical abuse — but Miss Rai travels with quite the posse.”
Indian ambassador to U.A.E., Chandra Mohan Bhandari, said the Embassy was in close contact with New Delhi about any possible legal entanglements. Ambassador Bhandari added rather enigmatically, ” The Gulf states are rich in Oil resources. BUT We are rich in Ash resources — but they must not assume the we are coming in sackcloth.”

Oily versus Ashy: Anyway you look at it the complexion of this contretemps is a mess. In search of a clarifying solution that would get us out of this regional T-zone we went looking for answers.

Aishwarya Rai’s International management team arranged a brief interview for us with the always busy star as she was completing filming on Dhoom II and going straight onto set for the re-make of the Rekha classic Umrao Jaan.

When asked if there was any truth to the accusations that she used her unearthly powers to bring all Dubai to a halt – that she was some sort of labour union activist — weilding Sub-continental attractions against unjust overlords in a satyaghraha of good looks — Miss Rai responded,

“Don’t be a Silly …. Powers ? If I had such powers that would make me a witch — I only say to the U.A.E. authorities – Don’t mess with my homeboys … Don’t touch my homegirls … otherwise Payback — maybe she will rhyme with Witch.