Dateline: Washington DC
With the United States and Pakistan united in a war against terrorism, the suggestion Friday that the United States once threatened to bomb the Pakistanis “back to the Stone Age” landed like a diplomatic bombshell.
Acting swiftly to defuse concern over any such threat, the White House dismissed it as a misunderstanding, the former deputy secretary of state who allegedly issued the threat denied ever using such incendiary words.
But incendiary may be just the word for it …
Trumping President Pervez Musharraf’s allegation yesterday — President Bush revealed it was all a rather comic misunderstanding — and that the President is not only a heavily constructed “Good Ol Boy”, but an entirely unreconstructed “Good Time Boy.”President Bush told the press today, “We didnt mean Stone AGE …We meant Stonage … like major doobage … Richard [Armitrage, former assistant secretary of state] was trying to score some weed. I mean Laura usually has a sweet stash — everyone knows she was the biggest pot dealer on campus at UT and she brought the good chronic to DC — but we were out! MaryJane had left the West Wing …”
The U.S. president said he’d been caught off guard by Musharraf’s allegation, but also tried to make light of the controversy.
“All I can tell you is, is that shortly after 9/11, Secretary Colin Powell came in (to the White House) and said, `Pervy M understands the stakes … Dubbs … so I figured we was all set …. I mean Im the President … I dont need to score my own smoke.”
The White House maintains that the administration was delivering a “There is no fire without some smoke” message to Pakistan, which had supported the Taliban all hopped up on smack and opium. “This administration is not really down with the hard stuff” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, “I mean not during the work week anyway … but hey I came here from FOX News … that place is like a Phish Concert — you think we come up with those graphics NOT stoned.”
Bush, standing alongside Musharraf in the East Room, endorsed their new understanding of getting stoned. No Sharia adultresses … No F-16s pulverizing Tora Bora — just two presidents — Christian and Muslim — keeping it real Biblical Ganja Style.
” Psalms 104:14,” says “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man.” — quoted President Bush … and you know Jesus is my favorite philosopher.”
When well known Washington Press Corps gadfly (and close textual reader) Swottie Shah pointed out that the Psalms quote was actually Old Testament — and so pre-Jesus — the President replied “Dude I’m so high ” — and went out to get some Ben & Jerrys.
Left alone with the Press President Musharraf closed out the conference with the following comments “When the president looks me in the eye and says, `The stoneage deal is like have you never seen two people on pot get in a fight …. Its totally impossible. Hey Buddy … Hey What … Ummmmmm. End of Argument. Take a hit of that. Anyone up for White Castle “